#also I know some of MTT’s notes are wrong but I couldn’t figure out how to change the key in the app I was using

[4ce-of-2pades]

Witness my latest experiment:

It’s the most recent breakthrough in the science of skeletons dating robots. Really cutting-edge stuff.

[drundertalescum]

Day 16 - Village

Warnings: I’ll figure those out after this is posted because I have 7 minutes to deadline.

Warnings: Criminal activity, creepiness, intimidation, doomsday devices, CRACK FIC

Pre-Canon - Sans, Temmie

“welp.”

Sans was in trouble.

When he and his brother first acquired the house in Snowdin, he thought it was, you know, not a big deal. No one lived there. No one knew who owned the place. A house that needed a family, a family that needed a house… do the math. Sounds totally fine, right? No issues obvious whatsoever.

Well, it turns out this completely reasonable assumption was somehow wrong. Now Sans needed cash, and he needed cash fast. He also needed to not set foot into the capital city of New Home because of reasons, which complicated matters.

He had some stuff to pawn off to anyone who wouldn’t ask too many questions. And that would have been fine, usually. Because he knew a guy. But he also couldn’t call that guy, and he couldn’t go to the city to meet up with him. Again, because of the reasons. It’s really not important.

So, he needed a new pawnbroker. Simple as that.

The problem was, though, no one outside the city seemed to want to buy his junk. Maybe it was because his junk was a giant 5 ton doomsday device that ascended the fabric of reality itself? He didn’t see why that would be a problem. He thought something like that would sell big. Maybe it was because the thing was busted. But like, then its a conscience free transaction, yeah? Sell it to someone and you can be like “well it doesn’t work haha! I’m not responsible!” when the Guard shows up, and Sans was sure there were plenty of monsters who would love the challenge of a little fixer upper project. Papyrus had loved his little puzzle for months! Until that point where his eyes turned red with rage and he embedded a spanner in the wall with some kinda feral scream and started claiming he didn’t know what “a science” was anymore. Poor guy.

Really, Sans hated to part with it. There were a lot of good memories with that thing. Literally. Because the thing actually ate memories.

But eh, details. It wasn’t really important.

Sans liked their house more than he liked the machine, and there was some saying about growing up and abandoning everything so you can have a good house or something. Sans was 32 years old and not even close to grown up, but he did really want his house.

Papyrus refused to talk about it. (Last time he pushed him,  Papyrus spent the whole day pretending he had no idea who he even was until he dropped a sock on the floor and Paps couldn’t contain the screaming and passive-aggressive post-it notes. That was stayin there now.) So Sans figured he could do whatever he wanted with it without cluing in his brother.

The first stop was with that lady, What’s-Her-Name over at the Snowdin General Goods Store. He really put on the charm with his pitch. Even told her she could bake some great cookies with it which wasn’t actually technically incorrect, but What’s-Her-Name refused.

“Ya know, I can’t really get in the business of buyin’ up junk when I’m runnin this sort of business, but maybe you can try to Hotland or Waterfall? I heard folks sayin there’s some folk out there that’s got some… questionable… tastes? It’s always worth a looksy, right? I’m sure someone out there’s willin to buy your Doomsday device offa ya!”

“okay,” said Sans, and teleported away immediately.

“Good luck, friend! I hope someone out there will help ya!” What’s-Her-Name called out to thin air.

Sans tried Hotland, next. First, he ran into some spider lady selling cookies. They looked good and he wanted at least 5. But they were also the same price as he owed in back taxes, so he decided not to do that, and teleported away before she could eat him for eating the cookies anyway.

Next, he found himself in the MTT Burger Emplorium, but the guy at the cash register just smiled at him and repeated the company slogan over and over again at him every time he asked, like some sort of madness mantra. Then he smiled so hard, a tooth cracked. Sans wasn’t sure he noticed. He got a burger though, and actually paid for it. Guy seemed like he needed a win as badly as Sans did.

Out back, he found a note saying that there were goods for sale in the creepy alley. That sounded like what he was looking for. But the girls there just wanted to talk and sell him a gun, and he told them he already had a gun, and they said oh, simultaneously. Then one asked if that as a glamburger he had, and he ate it and said no.

Next, Waterfall. Now, Sans knew old Gerson was a long shot. Guy used to be a cop a few hundred years ago. But he was retired now, and Sans was running out of vendors to try. There was barely an economy outside of the Capitol. But Gerson laughed and said he was trying to get rid of his junk, not get more of it. He did offer him some sea tea, though, and Sans decided to buy some in bulk because it was cheap and he liked food.

“Say, sonny, since you bought that… listen. Don’t tell anybody I told you about this, but… I might know some people who’s willin to take stuff off your hands. Know what I’m sayin’, kid?”

If Sans wasn’t already grinning, he would have grinned. It was almost worth the effort to ungrin, then regrin. Almost.

Sans followed the old monster’s instructions. He told him he wouldn’t be able to teleport there, which was probably the worst thing Sans had ever heard in his life, but what you need to understand is that he was really desperate. So he walked. And walked. And walked. For a full 2 minutes. An agonizing 2 minutes. And he found the secret path no one had ever told him about before.

Sans closed his eyes, and willed himself just a little further… into the depths of hell itself.

“Hoi!!!”a cacophony of noises filled the air as a sea of terrifying, inexplicable creatures surrounded him upon his approach. He had never been here before. Never heard of it. The feeling of being watched permeated the cavern, and a sound that he could only describe as “unholy” played for him as he walked deeper and deeper into the lair of these legendary cryptids.

“hOI!!!!!! i'm tEMMIE!!”

“hOI!!!!!! i'm tEMMIE!!”

“hOI!!! welcom to... TEM VILLAGE!!!”

“fhsdhjfdsfjsddshjfsd”

“hOI!!!!!! i'm tEMMIE!!”

“hOI!!!!!! i'm tEMMIE!!”

“hey,” Sans replied.

He wandered deeper into the sea of tem, finally finding a sign that said “TEM SHOP.” He thought his legs might give out. It was such a great distance. But he persevered. He needed to sell the machine. He needed to save his house that was not technically his, but felt like it was. He needed to reach this shop, no matter how many minutes he was forced to walk on his own two legs, like some kind of animal.

Sans was filled with detemmienation.

“hOI! welcom to... da TEM SHOP!!!”

The cashier smiled, her face vibrating off of her head ever so slightly at the sight of a visitor to her shop.

“sup.”

“hOI! i'm temmie”

“so, what is this place?”

“yaYA!!! go to TEM SHOP!!!”

Sans looked around. “okay.”

“hOI! i'm temmie”

“i’m sans. sans the skeleton.”

“hOI! i'm temmie”

This was not going well.

“listen do you buy stuff?”

Temmie vibrated. “yaYA!!! go to TEM SHOP!!!”

Sans took that as a yes. “listen, i need to sell something. it’s really valuable… and real secret. it’ll make you big bucks.”

Temmie started shaking, then started crawling on the walls and ceilings in a way that was both familiar to Sans and also completely and utterly wrong. No way. No way. Only he could do that. And Papyrus, probably, but he thought it was lazy and actually liked walking. Even jogged for fun and recreation like some sort of freak. But even that was less disconcerting than this.

“Tem want buy item but gota pay for colleg!!!!”

“okay. and this item, it’s gonna help you do that. it’ll go for big bucks. i promise you. and i’ll give it to you for an extremely low price,” Sans said, leaning in and winking, no matter how strong the urge was to be further away from this being.

“tem buy bluehoodiestaineds for...5G!”

“what.”

“tem buy bluehoodiestaineds for...5G!”

What the hell?? The ...temmie? (What even was a temmie?) wanted to buy his hoodie? That was his signature look! No way! Sure maybe he said in one of his pitches he would sell the clothes off his back to save their house but he didn’t mean it! It was a lie. He had been lying.

Did they just not understand? He wanted to sell them a doomsday device that bent the fabric of time and space. NOT his cool signature hoodie.

“no.”

“hnnnn....!!! tem always wanna bluehoodiestaineds!!!...!” The temmie was upside down and vibrating now. It’s face was barely attached. “tem buy bluehoodiestaineds for...50G!”

That was a more reasonable price, but he could not do it. No way. It was his hoodie. He wasn’t giving up what was his. He would rather lose the house. At least that he shared with Papyrus, so it wasn’t fully his own.

“no.”

“b...but…” Temmie sounded like it was going to cry, but it was still smiling as always. Wow. That actually was creepy. What kind of weirdo would be like that. “p!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And a new price was offered. 51G. Sans was almost tempted, but he snapped himself out of it. He would look dumb walking home without his jacket. Papyrus would probably make some kind of smug joke about him finally deciding to throw it in the dump where it belonged, since it was 97% dirt now anyway, and Sans could not let that happen. He refused. The only one who got to dunk on their brother was him.

Sans glared into the face of the crying, smiling, vibrating Temmie, hoping this final rejection would finally intimidate it into dropping the subject and hearing out his own offer of a fabulous new (busted) doomsday device. He let his eyelights darken, and his demeanor change, grin locked into place as he whispered:

“no.”

The ar went still. Cold. Sans never knew a fear like the one that suddenly engulfed him, never felt a chill like the one that seemed to suddenly appear right inside of him. The temmie was not even an inch from his face. Still smiling, but not even speaking from its mouth. The voice seemed to come from inside of his own skull.

“You think you’re so clever, don’t you? But we know what and who you are, Sans Undertale, and we do not forget. You will regret this. You will look back on this one day as the moment that began your eternal torment. You shall never again know peace. Do you think this is funny, Mr. Undertale? Hardly.”

“um.”

His voice was shaking. He was shaking. His bones were rattling but he never felt so paralyzed, so still.

So trapped.

The temie was suddenly feet away again, smiling as if nothing was wrong.

“bOI!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sans never ran before, but that day, Sans ran.

Sans decided to get a job. Actually, he decided to get 5. Anything was better than ever returning to that place. He threw a sheet over the macine and locked it up, and declared, as Papyrus already had, that it never existed in the first place. Screw it. Screw the whole thing. He prefered having a job over this.

And worst of all, Papyrus was so smug about him finally joining the legitimate workforce like a normal grownup person.

He really did know no end to his torments.

[theskelejournals]

Entry 48

I've gotta say, my lady friend has been a pretty big inspiration. For the bit of time I’ve known her, I’ve gotten my groove back with puns and jokes like you wouldn’t believe. With all these good jokes and puns we've been cranking out, I've been knockin ‘em off left and right. Not just at the door, but in everyday situations too. Pap doesn't appreciate ‘em, but I think he's just glad to see me engaging in something.

Over at the newly face claimed MTT resort, they were having an opening night for comedians to come in. Something about they wanted to scope the crowd for reactions and whoever got the best from the audience, they would ask those people to come back. Usually I wouldn’t shoot for something like that, but as I got to thinking about it, I figured, why not? It might be fun. Can't say for sure how long it'll last thanks to that flowers resets, but who knows. It was something at least.

I brought the suggestion up to my door friend the day after hearing about it and she encouraged it all the way.

“Be sure to come back and tell me all about it,” she told me excitedly. “And oh, do your act for me too, if you would. I would love to hear it.”

“hey, fuhgeddaboudit, you get the best stuff anyways, snow worries,” I told her, getting a snort and snicker in response. The only encouragement I needed.

I told Paps my plans too, and he seemed surprised but supportive. In his own way, you know.

“Well, you certainly have it in you to tell jokes for a living,” he said, making a face. “Is that what you want to do, Sans?” “maybe not for a livin’, but definitely a hobby or a side job,” I told him with a shrug. “you know me, i got some real rib ticklers.”

“Eugh, save it for the stage, brother,” he grumbled. Then he tilted his head. “And if you do get it? What about your sentry position?”

“if i do, then i do. i’ll work both jobs. the resort won’t be an everyday thing anyway”

“You, two jobs? Wowie! Mark it on the calendar, my lazybones brother wants to work two jobs!”

Flashing a grin at me, we both ended up laughing. His words might seem harsh sometimes, but he doesn’t mean them. My jests are puns, his are dramatic pokes at people. It’s how we roll. I knew I had his full support just from the look alone, so I was two for two.

“But really Sans, if you want to, then go ahead. Who knows, you might be able to get at least someone in the audience to laugh. You do have that door person, after all, so I suppose it’s possible.”

“you betcha, bro,” I said with a snicker, “they’ll call the guard on me for attacking their funny bones so hard.”

“Alright seriously save it for the stage.”

That night, I headed on over there to sign up and do my act. There were several monsters lined up for the challenge and a lot of people in the theater to hear em. Oh boy. My nerves started to settle over time as I watched the different acts though. The crowd was pretty tame and even gave some monsters who weren't even doing anything funny a hand to appreciate their efforts. I give em props. I don't remember Hotland being that welcoming.

It was interesting to watch everyone go up and do their own thing. I took mental notes of some things I hadn’t thought of before, reading the crowd to figure out what they liked most. I wouldn’t call it cheating, I was just using my people reading skills to my advantage is all.

My turn was up before I knew it. I still had a bit of nerves when I stepped into the light, but after a moment I just imagined my family out in the crowd. My whole family. My door friend too, I know she would’a loved this. So with that in mind, I just started going. And the crowd snickered. So I kept going, and they started to laugh. The longer I went, the better the reactions got. Before long, I had everyone engaged in what I was saying and laughs echoed throughout the auditorium. I was knockin em dead and oh man, it felt so good. By the time I was done, I gave a bow and everyone applauded for me. Heh. I swear my soul skipped a beat.

Backstage, a few people congratulated me on the reactions and were overall very kind. My elated mood only got higher. As I was leaving, others began to steadily spill out of the resort. I caught a flash of red in the crowd and looked up. To my surprise, I saw aunt Sera among them the moment she happened to look up too. We both grinned and waved, but before I could try and approach, the crowd grew thicker and I was moved along toward the exit like several others. I might not have gotten to talk to her, but the fact that she had been in the crowd too made it all the better. Once I was outside, Papyrus and Undyne rushed up to meet me.

“Brother! That was terrible but amazing! Everyone loved you!”

He scooped me up in a hug and spun in excitement. I paused in surprise at first before letting out a loud laugh, hugging him back tightly.

“paps! joke’s on them, really, they were in for punishment as soon as i walked in.”

I could hear Undyne laugh over my brothers annoyed groan, coming over and clapping me on the back after I was put down.

“So this is what you've been stealing off to these days, huh punk? Making jokes to audition for this?”

“yeah sure we'll go with that.”

“He's a slacker of the worst degree,” Papyrus interjected with a grumpy face, then turned and grinned at me. “But he also works hard at what he does. My brother deserves this moment of victory for all the effort he puts in.”

I raised my brows in surprise.

“effort? me?” I shrugged, but oh man was I grinning. “dunno what you're talking about.”

“I don't believe that!” Scooping me up, Paps held me at arm’s length and grinned wider. “You might be lazy, but you’re also a hard worker. I'm not sure how those work together, but you do it! As terrible as your jokes are, you're good at them. Just like you’re good at taking care of me, and I'm great at taking care of you.”

I was snickering pretty hard, unable to stop grinning. “aw, paps.”

“I mean it Sans!” he furrowed his brows to put emphasis and dragged me close into another hug. “I might not appreciate your jests, but everyone else did tonight. You made everyone laugh, and regretfully, me included! That’s a feat! I'm proud of you, brother.”

“You'll have to balance two jobs now,” Undyne said with a smirk. “There ain't no way they're not calling you back for more.”

“heh… jeez. thanks guys.”

It was sincere. I didn't really expect them to be in the crowd, even Papyrus because of his disdain for my jokes. But I guess I should’a known. It's good to be proven wrong sometimes.

As we were heading home, I noticed a shadow flicker in the corner of my eye, turning briefly to glance at nothing. I couldn't help but grin again. Three of the four members of my family were there that night after all.

I just got the mail this morning and there was a letter from the resort. In short, they loved my performance and wanted me back. Laughing in pleased disbelief, I showed it to an excited Papyrus and then made off instantly to tell my friend by the door. She was ecstatic.

“I knew you could do it! Great job, my friend,” she said cheerily, and I heard the muffled sound of her hands clapping in glee.

I leaned against the door, grinning wide.

“i'm no killer, but i definitely knocked em dead.”

Her laugh was the best one I'd heard, even after the entire auditorium of people. Yeah, still my best audience.

I think things are finally lightening up. I’m still taking everything with a grain of salt thanks to Flowey, but the moments I’m getting are pretty good. I just really hope the good times last. So long as I have the friends and family that I have now, I’ll do everything in my power to keep that hope going. Thanks guys. Really. - Sans